so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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