the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
