is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
