i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
