Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
