3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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