drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
