Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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