In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
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The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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