Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
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