What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
