i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
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And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
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Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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