Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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