what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
This is my gift to your gina
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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