I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
