Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
