im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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