I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
How did I end up in the pool?!
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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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