I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
