Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
