hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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