seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Randomize
