Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
My cat gives me a boner
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If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
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I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
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