I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Come on in and take your pants off
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