You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
