Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
So here I am, sexting at work.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
