im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
this boner is exhausting
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
