You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
