So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
