This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
