i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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