Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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