I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
