Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
