my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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