Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
