he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
