My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
