Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
