These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
