I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
