Where did you get a picture of my penis
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
So much Jack, so little girl.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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