Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
