I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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