Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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