what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
