You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
