Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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