She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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