When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I party with great urgency now.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
