I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
