I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
