Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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