I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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