If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
